So... I've been away for a couple of weeks. Anything going on?

I just ended a self-imposed news exile which began a few days before Christmas. I've only casually kept an eye on current events and my web usage has been limited to football and basketball scores.

Having expelled the unhealthy remnants of 2008 from my system, I'm ready to look forward. I just have a couple of questions.

-Now that GM and Chrysler were granted their bailout money, the economy has been saved, right? Prosperity and optimism is abound, right? Unemployment is back in the 4% range, I'm sure.

-With the bank bailout having been given a number of months to shake out, I can drive on down to the bank and pick up my check to buy a house, car, boat and take a cruise, right? I better call ahead. I'm sure there will be a line.

-By now Illinois Governor Blago has got to be in jail and the Chicago political corruption machine has finally been broken, right? That brilliant, ethical, non-partisan pit bull of an independent counsel obviously pulled the plug on that investigation at the perfect time to ensure all involved parties will be prosecuted and justice will be served, right?

-Minnesota's unblemished record on clean elections and their Secretary of State who just happens to be a Democrat and closely tied to ACORN has found an uncontroversial resolution to that Senate Seat, right? I'm sure that's the case.

-Barack Obama's historic election to the American Presidency in November has ushered in a time of global peace, right? Traditional enemies in the Middle East have blissfully embraced each other with giddiness as the policy of "change" has triumphed in the United States, right?

-And I'm sure Caroline Kennedy has by now demonstrated her worthiness to represent the second-most populated state in the country in the Senate. Certainly she has proven she deserves a seat in the same chamber Henry Clay, Daniel Webster and John Quincy Adams, demonstrated their eloquence, right?

Now that I'm out of the sensory deprivation chamber, I'm ready to hit the ground running. Since I'm sure all December's loose ends have been tied up, I can spend some time on legitimate issues like cow flatulence and man-made global warming.